When Life Changes

I wrote the following post five years ago. This year will make it nine years since my dad has been gone. Nine years and yet I miss him every day. Even more now as I am getting married in three months. 

What do you do when life as you know it is no longer what you know? It has been four years since my dad died. One might think four years is a long time to get accustomed to what life is now, but I still don't know what this life is.

One of the worst possible things in this world is experiencing someone you love the absolute most, die... every day... before your eyes. Have you ever been at a place in life where you bargain with God? Well that was me! I was bargaining with God. Working so hard to be the best that I could be in hopes that my efforts would be enough to save my father. My efforts... I thought and felt so deeply that there was something I could have physically done.

April 15th, four years ago, the night I looked up to the sky, and tired of seeing my dad in pain, I said to God, if you're not going to heal him then take him. April 16th...and when He did take him, I thought I was okay. I was strong... I was hopeful... until I wasn't anymore... And then I was angry. Angry at God... angry that my efforts were for nothing. Angry at this evil life. Just angry.

And every day that passed after, that anger turned into depression. Yes I knew God loved me and I still loved God...but life just did not make sense to me. The love of God slowly became a mere fact and not a reality to me anymore.I couldn't understand how death was a natural part of life. Because there is nothing natural about losing a soulmate.

So what do you do when life changes... you change! No matter how hard you try to go back to being the person that you were...you just can't seem to find your way back there. There is something disturbingly magical that happens inside you when you go through the worst possible thing in life. And what I have come to realize is that you will never be the same as before....and you know what? That is okay!